Whose fault is it that I’m not married?

July 10, 2008 at 4:21 pm 6 comments

I have seen a lot of blog and forum posts on marriage lately that appear discouraging to single young women, so I wanted to share a few thoughts . . .

It seems that a lot of folks have an idea that if a girl’s over 18 and not married yet, it’s her fault. What I’ve been noticing is a bunch of people saying that girls who aren’t married are A) too picky or B) not trying hard enough to meet “eligible young men.” Although likely true in some circumstances, I don’t believe it to be the norm.

It saddens me to hear so many negative comments regarding why young women are still single. Being single is not an evil!

Young women who state that they are enjoying their singledom and not actively seeking a husband are told that they’re simply not trying hard enough to meet young men. This is just absurd! The New Testament specifically notes that single folks have more freedom to serve the Lord. Why give that up for a “husband hunt”? Trusting in God to bring along the right person at the right time doesn’t mean that we sit alone at home 24/7, or that we hide from men. It simply means that we are living in the Now. If we are trusting in the Lord to take care of us and bring our husbands in His time, He will prompt us to respond when we need to.

Enjoying singledom does not mean that we don’t desire to be married. And trusting the Lord for our husbands doesn’t mean we don’t have or begin friendships with guys! But what Christian young man wants to make friends with a young lady only to find out that she really only wanted to see if he was good husband material? Additionally, attempts to make friends and to be social are not always as easy as they’re made out to be. We’re often told to just, “go to church,” “go to dances and events,” etc, etc. Trust me, sometimes a girl can go out seven days a week, meeting new people, visiting friends, and still not meet anyone marriageable, or at least not anyone who would be a good “fit” for them.

Certainly there are some young ladies, especially conservative, homeschooled young women, who just have their standards set so high that no mortal man could ever expect to meet them all. What is more often the case is that many of us simply know what God has called us to do in our lives and can understand when we will not be a good complement to a young man. And here is where young ladies are often told that they expect too much. (Oh, what fickle advice we receive! First we’re told to set our standards high and not to settle. Then when we meet young men that don’t match those standards we’re told that we expect too much. Very Happy) But often it’s just that the right guy isn’t around yet. It’s not pickiness – it’s prudence.

So, perhaps it really is our fault that we’re not married yet. But if it being my fault means that I’m serving the Lord, have great friendships with a variety of folks, and didn’t marry someone that I couldn’t complement, just to get out of being single, then I will happily accept the blame for my singleness. Very Happy

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6 Comments Add your own

  • 1. ubuntucat  |  July 10, 2008 at 4:29 pm

    God works in mysterious ways, and so I’ve generally found (with exceptions, of course) that the people who are in a rush to get married and find “the one” are also the ones who are still single in their 30s, and the people who had no intention of finding a mate found one early on and got married in their 20s.

    It’d be hard to make a Biblical case for actively seeking out a spouse. Your job is to serve God, and if you’re single, that’s great. If you’re married, that’s also great.

    I say make the most of whatever life stage you’re in. If you’re single, love that you’re single and do not bemoan (or entertain people who try to bemoan for you) your singleness. If you’re married, love that you’re married and do not long for your single days.

    Reply
  • 2. Tayo Richards  |  July 10, 2008 at 4:53 pm

    You are absolutely on the right track. If you have placed yourself squarely in the will of God, when the time comes, the right man will come along and the Holy Sprit will confirm what will already be in your heart.

    For goodness sake, women are leaving marriage much later now some of my good friends are already in their mid-thirties and although they do want to experience marriage, they are still not willing to compromise their faith or themselves to just settle for any old man (even if he is a Christian).

    And to be honest, the more mature you are as you enter marriage, the more prepared you are. There is a lot of ‘dying to self’, that goes on and even with the best of spouses, the challenges do still come.

    Reply
  • 3. flan  |  July 10, 2008 at 5:39 pm

    mabe thay just pick bad men??? same as i seem to pick bad women? its just the way its works out| some times its best to b single if we like it or not

    Reply
  • 4. Brooke  |  July 11, 2008 at 4:46 pm

    I lived this post! Too bad you didn’t write it several years ago!! I even had to write a letter to the devotional magazine that I get through my church. It was supposed to be for all ladies, but at least one devotional a month would leave me in tears, making me feel less like a woman because I was unmarried. In my letter I spoke the truth in love, quoting Paul’s scripture about singleness. Thanks for speaking up!

    Reply
  • 5. kaysie  |  July 13, 2008 at 9:02 am

    I too was encouraged through reading this. So it is not an evil to be single?! Yeah! đŸ™‚
    Thanks for sharing your heart. It was a blessing to mine.

    Reply
  • 6. Sherri  |  July 22, 2008 at 3:28 pm

    I’m 43 and never been married. I have been in a few relationships that we discussed marriage…but I prayed and God said, “No!” with each of them. I look at their lives now and praise God daily!!

    I would rather wait on God for the right man that He has predestined for me from the foundations of the earth and be happy and content in my relationship with Him than to settle for anyone and be miserable.

    As the Apostle Paul stated, be content wherever you are in life! Love yourself and allow God to be the lover of your soul. He will never let you down. He will fulfill every void in your life. You are a Queen…..don’t forget it!

    Be blessed,

    Reply

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